And that hurt me deeply because it proved a very, very beloved person to be clueless about how my life has worked since at least a year ago.
I’ve lost everything quite a few times already. To the point of falling on my knees to ask about the reason of this pain, of this punishment. Why me? What do you want from me? Didn’t I give it all this time? What did I do? It’s so normal for me to lose everything that when something starts to grow, whatever it is, I wonder when it’s going to start shriveling up. I’ve lost someone I love with all my heart. All that made sense once, just doesn’t exist nowadays. All the memories, all the images, all the little silly details that can make you happier than the most expensive present… they only make sense to me. I’m sure I’m just a fading shadow in that mind, a bad dream, a wrong decision, a bunch of feelings that weren’t taken back in time. I spend my time thinking I’m gonna go crazy, sighing about the lips that don’t want me anymore, and maybe never wanted me for anything else than it already was. While I wonder, and cry, and believe in patience and await, I pray for my mind to be enough tied up to not spill everywhere. I wanna remain sane, but it’s so difficult.
I don’t understand any other language, but the fight. I’ve surprisingly found myself fighting for that someone now. It doesn’t make sense at all, maybe not to me either. But if life has taught me something, it is to always cling to the tinniest chink in the rock to not fall down the mountain. And to never cut the string, because, you know, you should never cut the string if you can untangle the knot. How couldn’t I believe in God? Not any of the ones created. A superior creature, one you can easily piss off with your mistakes for him to shake you really hard. Like a tiger. Then you’ll learn what God is. Just let him shake you. Divine justice exists, wait. “Wait, just wait. We’ll be laughing in the end. Why not starting now?”
All of this happens because my soul wants to jump off my mouth. Because my heart fights to beat while it cries without any other belief, but the one in God. When you lose it all - and I suffered that quite a few times - you learn to believe in nothing else but God. And the strength of that belief, is what makes you able to shake the ground and the time you wish you could take back. All the memories you have, only make sense if you fight for them when nobody else would. So I will. I’ll fight for it. Once more.
stop hurting me. stop lying to your parents. be a woman!!! you’re treating me like a dog, as if i’ve been nothing to you. i’m so lonely it’s unreal. you’ve taken everything from me, even my heart. you know what? smash it against a wall if you want.
and watch the videos. or still, don’t you dare? are you scared?
scar tissue that i wish you saw.
Finally found the color I needed.
It’s my version of Lady Gaga’s song ‘Born This Way’, the one lyric that says ‘Believe capital H-I-M’. The number 8 is very important for me, I also have it as my number when I play basketball, so that’s why I tell myself ‘I am the 8’. That number has more meaning for me than it could seem. And no, I don’t use banners to make money. x
